standing up!

4:55 a.m., December 7, 2006

Life is a school…

It drizzles outside, just any other melancholic afternoon. Darkness is casting the city. On the horizon I see sparrows heading home. Ho-hum, I just wanna lay down and let the hustle and bustle of the city lull me to sleep. And just be entangled in my dreams.

So many things happening outside yet there’s more going on inside my head. Lots of ideas, desires, dreams, demons and bliss are sweeping me away… And even have the time to clean the little speck on my monitor.

I definitely have gone a long way… yeah, a long, long way. And I came thru it all with sighs and heavy breathing---deep breaths, just to numb my tears and dry my laughter. I say, prayers came-on very handy.

I have a very good family life. Childhood, hmmm, a little rough yet my hommies’ advices were always in perfect timing and still are. Whatever bantering I was experiencing outside, home-life just gives me comfort every time. We had a modest life, having a teacher for a mum and a very intelligent and creative for a pup, there is nothing more I could wish for. Nothing more... Our needs are met and we are living abundantly with love (and books, oh-my-golly-our-house-is-like-a-library...) what can a child ask for? Nothing more…

School life went on very smoothly. Non-conformist as I am, I handled my businesses my way. I never tried fitting in… you know the feeling being left-out by the whole class because people think you’re a prick, primadonna (a*hole suits best for boys) or a total snob? (Now your saying, oh well, there’s where that insecurity coming from…) Sorry didn’t felt that, well, a little. But I was never concerned of what people might tag me. I love being an outsider. I never joined the guy’s hang-outs. I could do that because, btw, I was living solo in a big city as early as high school. I could puff all the cigarettes in the world and drown myself with booze whenever I want to. Yeah, I have chosen to go the right direction. I can never afford partying while my parents are burning their bushes off just to send me to a refutable school. I was more concerned of what to paint, sculpt or how I would write my articles (was an editor in our school paper, btw.) or how I would deliver my lines and attack the character given to me in out in our theater club (might not be apparent but my mentor says I’m a good character actor.. hahaha.)

College was a little rough, and fitting-in was way out of my priority. I never tried pursuing any academic recognition… I just want to be an underdog… unrecognized but creating small ripples to the people around me. I never worked my ass off to be on the A-list. I never craved for the limelight (yeah, yeah… a really good excuse for performing poorly.) but it was all a choice.

However the foundation may have been laid strongly, reality could still shake it off to rubbles. I called it my ‘pivotal moment’. One year was spent solely for soul-searching. Balancing school-works with the war I waged against myself. It was insane. I was hanging by a thread. Everything was a confusing, hazy and surreal. I just embraced the truth that everything has a great purpose. I came on stronger, more mature and wide awake…. Yeah every single thing has a purpose….

I’d tell you what the experience did to me as I hurdle through life…. Next time.

Meanwhile I am wide awake…

Wide awake…

Naka-shabu!