One of those days that are emblazoned in my mind… that’s today.
Well, my brother just left for Dubai to take one more shot on finding a green pasture for the rest of the family. It’s hard seeing someone leaving. But it’s even harder staying’.
Rx: One tablespoon of Courage 3x a day. Complete bed rest is not required. Time to move and press on for the elusive dreams.
Architect, empty pocket, stagnating.
However I will be sweet-talking myself out, I can never deny the fact that i am just broke as the person seating next to me in the jeepney. At least with a title attached to my name.
Why?
I am a good person and… it can be bad sometimes. Projects, I got tons of them and yet I am still here with my poorest self. What happened? Boundaries - not setting one, on how far I cud stretch myself for others. I am good at my craft (I wish to believe so), with so much passion of wanting to deliver the best service I could give, going for the extra mile to make my every client extra special and make them extra comfortable with me and going for all those other extra extras. Bringing down the standards I set for myself as a professional to only be given the chance to prove myself worthy. People-pleaser I guess (major one!). So ironic to think that all this while I would think of myself as someone who is in control. Subconsciously, I always fall to the pit of “black-tax”. To some point it’s ok if only I get paid well. Worse, I am not and even with the small sum people would pay me, they want to give it in installment basis. Some don’t even have the decency to call and notify me that they will not be able to pay me at once. Waiting. Endless waiting.
Wonderment.
I get sad. Distraught and disillusioned. My sense of purpose is wearing’ out.
Rx: Make a Contract duly signed and agreed upon by both parties for goodness sake!
On most part I just want someone to be there for me. I want validation for every little thing I do…
Lump in my chest…
Having someone who loves you and you love very much so far away is an uphill struggle. You talk the whole day yet the person is still miles away – the relationship is a real hard work, next to impossible for some. The person wouldn’t be able to see your naughty smiles, enjoy with you the heartiest laugh, steal a kiss from, and sympathize with your sighs of frustration. That person will just have an overview of what you are doing at the moment but never the complete scene. She will never feel the pounding of your heart because you bought a pair of slippers. She will never catch a glimpse of your excitement because for the first time you set aside a small amount to buy something only for yourself because most of the sum, you gave it to your brother on his second attempt on Dubai.
And vice versa. You were not there to see how her eyes glowed when she brought her most expensive and selfish splurge ever – the maroon laptop. You weren’t with her on their outing with friends, complain with your aching feet from walking around the enormous mall or be on the pictures she will be posting in friendster with the mall aquarium on the background. Or massage her neck because she’s to put up with work the whole day.
Yeah, for most I just want the person I love to be there for me and me for her. But for now that’s impossible. It will need more work, patience, love and trust to withstand the struggle. For now, it needs more listening, appreciating, validating, talking, impatiently describing to sustain the wrestle with distance. I just wanted her to listen because I am showing her my most selfish indulgence and hope she’d notice my excitement as I hold my slippers close to the camera. I want her to tell me if it’s a best buy. I need to hear the words. I am only limited to how my imagination would picture out her reaction. I want her to tell me that I look good with my new haircut. I want her to notice every inch of my face - the breakout of pimples, my growing moustache and my frown lines. I know she notices them but I want her to say them. I want her to do all these not because I told her so. I want her to do all these not because I am all ears to her every story, excited with her new adventures. I want her to do all these because we are far from each other, we need to push harder. I want her to do all these because she knows they will make me happy. She wants me to be happy. And it only takes little words of appreciation to make my crappy day.
Rx: Tell the person.
Easy but I can’t.
- She might think I am overly demanding. I don’t wanna aggravate the situation.
- I don’t want her to misconstrue that I don’t appreciate everything she does for me.
- She’s busy and that’s the meanest thing I could to do add up to her stress.
- This is a little shallow I guess… the problem might be on me.
Meanwhile I am keeping my silence.
I haven’t texted her the whole day…
i hate my slippers...
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